Sunday, 3 July 2016

And the candidates are...

Monstrous hypocrite, entitled posh cretin and general pig-molester David Cameron has marked his decision to leave the posts of Conservative Party leader and Prime Minister. This does, unfortunately, mean that now we will spend the next few months having to hear which evil bastard is actually going to take control. The Conservative Party remains in charge, which means we are restricted to a selection of untrustworthy monsters with the collective moral fibre of the hoards of the Lilim, who will not be elected by the public, but chosen by a ballot of yet more career bastards. Animated ball of belly-button fluff, Boris Johnson, has already dropped from the race, having led himself into an untenable position. Here are our potential insect overlords:

Stephen Crabb:

Positives: Resolutely working class, Crabb grew up on a council estate and would be a huge breath of fresh air after a run of Etonian ponces.

Negatives: A backward, fundamentalist Christian viewpoint. Hugely homophobic, having stated that homosexuality is an illness and can be cured. Basically a genuine threat to the rights of any non-straight individual. Like most candidates, voted to reduce disabled people's living allowance. Basically looks like a bit of a cunt.

Liam Fox:

Positives: A former GP, so likely to have at least a basic scientific knowledge and some indication of human spirit.

Negatives: Breached government policy due to his working relationship with a close friend. Vehemently pro-Leave and is vocally against the free market, so would potentially make the UK's financial position even worse (if that's actually possible). A bit of a fat-faced nonentity, otherwise.

Andrea Leadsom:

Positives: It would be refreshing to have a woman in Number Ten after many years of male dominance.

Negative: With similar views on free trade and free movement as Fox, and a viciously homophobic streak, Leadsom is essentially the female Boris Johnson, albeit with less embarrassing hair.

Theresa May:

Positives: Again, a strong female candidate. Genuinely shrewd and intelligent, and committed to her party.

Negative: Unfortunately, that party is the Conservative Party. While May is, technically, a woman, she's a woman in the same way Thatcher was: basically an approximation of the female human hewn from the very substance of hell. Only she lacks Thatcher's warmth and easy charisma. May is notably homophobic and anti-immigration and seems determined to remove the human rights of anyone who isn't a rich, white, able Briton.

Michael Gove:

Positives: Doesn't appear to actually want to eradicate homosexuality, from what I can see.

Negatives: Massively pro-Leave, being one of the main Brexit campaigners, yet doesn't seem to have the guts to follow it through. Voted to reduce disabled people's living allowances. Was on a one-man mission to utterly undermine the British educational system. Horribly anti-intellectualist, he has made a point of trying to get voters to ignore financial and educational experts. A back-stabbing weasel who looks like a wet sponge in NHS glasses.

Other potential candidates include NHS saboteur and classic rhyming slang Jeremy Hunt and bleary-eyed, coke-nosed incompetent George Osborne. Thankfully, these individuals seem to have ruled themselves out of the race by backing one of the above, although career politicians, especially Tories, are notoriously keen to change allegiance and knife their colleagues in the spine.

The only names to have come up that offer any real hope for a fair and sane PM are Nicky Morgan and John Baron. Unfortunately, Morgan has decided to back Gove for some reason, and Baron appears to be persona non grata. Meanwhile, Labour, rather than taking advantage of this political shambles, is making a concerted effort to be even more shambolic and will probably have torn itself apart by this time next year.

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