Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Not another one...

Well, it's been a year. 365 days since the last arbitrary marking point of the calendar. The Earth has completed one orbit of the sun, as it has done billions of times in the past and shall continue to do so billions of times again. And so it goes.

It hasn't been the best year for me, although it's had its moments. I've made a lot of new friends, but also lost some. People drift apart, and others I just alienate. I've tried a few new things, and been to a couple of new places, although I haven't managed to leave the country once this year, which makes me feel claustrophobic. I've reached a couple of personal milestones - I've sold a story, for one, which is something to look forward to next year. But several things I had looked forward to over the course of the year didn't happen. Swings and roundabouts, I guess. However, I did, possibly, save someone's life. That has to make it a worthwhile year, right?

The most difficult thing this year - every year - has been my depression. I don't tend to talk about my personal life a great deal on here, not least because I don't think many people are interested in reading about it. Still, it's New Year's, so here we go. I've been suffering from clinical depression for about ten years now, been medicated most of that time, and have it mostly under control. But this last year, particularly these last few months, have been more difficult for me.There's not been any real reason for this; I haven't been through anything traumatic. It's just come upon me. My self-esteem, never very high, has gradually slid to rock bottom. It's a steep hole to climb out of.

It's been a good Christmas, spent with family. My brother is in China, so we didn't see him, but we did hold a mini-Christmas back in October to make up for that. For a lot of my closest friends, though, it has been a very tough Christmas. A lot of people I care about are going through very tough times. I want to be there for them, but it can be difficult when I also really need someone to be there for me. If there's one thing I'm any good at, it's being there for the people I care for, but at times, it can be hard. Thankfully, I have some wonderful, very understanding friends, who have learned to deal with how difficult I can be over the years.

I hate New Year's. A time to look back over the last year and realise how little I've achieved, and to look forward and worry about what's coming. Still, I can try. Things can always get better. Sure, they can get worse too, but they can get better. What I need to do is learn how to be better myself.

Don't worry, I'll get back to blathering about Doctor Who soon.


  1. Hi Dan. Nice to see someone open up about depression. I can't say that I'm depressed (at least I don't think I am), but I have very low self esteem too. I seem to drift between thinking "Yeah, everything's okay," to thinking "I'm shit. I'm not worth anything to anyone." I'm constantly worried that I'm not doing everything that I need to do. That I'm rubbish at being a husband, rubbish at my job...every little thing that goes wrong effects me badly and makes me feel completely and utterly worthless.

    I long for the day when I can be truly happy with myself and who I am. So while it's not the same thing as you, I can understand where you're coming from.

    Take care.

    1. That sounds very similar to how I feel a lot of the time. I've had depression for a long time now, but the way it expresses itself changes. I've become very insecure and inward-looking. You'd think I'd get more confident as I got older, but apparently not.

      Thanks for sharing.

  2. For me I can have bursts of "wow! life is great!" one minute to suddenly having all confidence drained from me. I have a wife who loves me and family and friends who love me, but it doesn't ever stop the feelings of being down creep up when you least expect it.